Birthday Suprises
by sofia-lindsay
Summary: It’s Emily’s birthday, and girls night out doesn’t go as expected. JJ/Emily Written by sofia lindsay & darkbardzero It’s crack!fic, what else would you expect from us?


Title: Birthday Surpises  
Author: sofialindsay & darkbardzero  
Fandom: Criminal Minds  
Pairing: Emily/JJ  
Disclaimer- We do not own the characters…we wish we did!  
Rating: PG13 (It's crack!fic, what else would you expect from us?)  
Summary: It's Emily's birthday, and girls night out doesn't go as expected.  
AN: Once again, this is what happens when sofiaLindsay influences darkbardzero when she's drinking Irish cream. (sofiaLindsay would like to add that she is NOT a bad influence!)  
AN2: sofiaLindsay would like to apologize to Steppenwolf20 for teasing her over this one. eg  
Archiving: P&P, Women in Kevlar

"Surprise!"

The blonde computer analyst shot a proud look towards her fellow drinking buddies, pleased to have found the perfect club for Emily's birthday celebration.

"Oh lord…"

"_Garcia_!"

The replies came simultaneously and Garcia responded innocently to the brunette.

"Sweetie?"

"This is a strip club, Garcia!" Emily rebuked.

Garcia rolled her eyes, "A gold star for you Agent Observant!"

"…Garcia, it's a _lesbian_ strip club."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that since I planned your birthday."

Garcia had no idea what Emily's issue with the club was, or why JJ was turning beet red and looking at everything but the brunette agent.

"But Garcia, my _Mother_ is here…"

"Oh Emily, stop being such a prude. Let's get in there and have some fun!" With the final word on the situation, Elizabeth Prentiss marched forward, grabbed her gaping daughter by the arm and practically yanked her into the club.

"Leave it to Garcia to effectively out me to all and sundry…" Emily muttered, breaking away from her mother's grip and striding straight to the bar, leaving JJ and Garcia to themselves.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" The petite blonde has cautiously.

"Of course it is Jayj, don't worry."

"I mean, for once Mrs. Prentiss is well…this probably isn't what she had in mind for her daughters birthday."

JJ's voice was laced with concern and Garcia shook her head while motioning to the elder Prentiss. "Honey, the woman is having a hoot and a half, look."

JJ sighed. "I just don't want to show Emily up."

"Oh JJ, stop that pretty little head of yours from worrying and just relax. Get a lap dance or something."

"Penelope!" JJ admonished, earning a bewildered look in return.

"What? It's never bothered you before."

"Yeah well…present company and all that?" JJ replied, motioning with her hands.

Garcia's head turned to the side, eyes darting between the blonde in front of her and the brunette at the bar. Emily was dressed in black jeans, with a black button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up mid-arm, clearly showing off her "man-watch" as Garcia called it, and her belt was once again off-centered. Her wallet was stuffed into her back pocket.

"I don't see your point."

JJ sighed. "I don't really think Em would appreciate finding out I'm into girls by seeing some naked stripper grinding at me. Oh, and about that…she's going to kill us for this, you know that right? She's not gay, why on earth would you bring her here?"

"Oh honey, that gaydar of yours has never worked has it? Take a look at Emily for crying out loud! Oh, nay mind, that's why you have me!"

"I don't get it..."

Garcia would have laughed at the confused pout planted on the blonde agent's face, had Elizabeth not shown up at that very moment holding two shot glasses filled with some ridiculously hot pink liquid.

"Girls, what are you doing? You need to catch up. These delightful concoctions are called zombie killers; isn't that funny? You have to try them! Of course, Emily wouldn't because they are pink, but then again, she's walking on the rather butch side these days, don't you think?"

JJ and Garcia looked at each other, almost afraid of what the older woman might say next. Apparently the uptight, conservative, Republican Ambassador knew more about her daughter (and gay subculture) than Emily was aware of. Shrugging, JJ grabbed the shot from Elizabeth and downed it, just to be handed Garcia's as well.

"Done this before, have you Jennifer?"

"Yes Ma'am!" JJ grinned proudly, the alcohol starting to hit her.

"Good, come along! Let's see if we can get my uptight daughter plastered!"

Shaking her head, Garcia snickered, "Heh, good luck keeping up with JJ!" Then noticing another Prentiss woman strutting her way, the smile left her face.

"Garcia, what the hell is JJ doing with my mother at the bar?! And why were they holding hands?"

The flustered brunette's hands were doing rather obscene motions, and Garcia quickly located the other pair of women at the bar doing more shots. Elizabeth had obviously found something funny and reached out to hug the younger woman, but in her slightly inebriated state, managed to somehow grab JJ's ass instead.

"Um, I'm not honestly sure Emily."

If there was ever a wrong thing to say to a slightly annoyed and tipsy Emily, that had to be it after the younger Prentiss witnessed what she thought was her mother grabbing her crush's backside.

"MY MOTHER JUST COPPED A FEEL OF JJ'S ASS! Oh my god, this has to stop! How could Mother do this to me!?"

"Honey, I really don't think your mother is after JJ…oh shit."

Garcia cursed as a determined Emily has headed towards the bar. That family must have some serious issues, she mused. Following her, she sighed. It was going to be a long night!

"Mother, what _are_ you doing?! "

"Em, we're just having a few drinks." A slightly confused JJ responded, not taking her eyes off of the row of jello shots in front of her.

"Emily. That is no way to talk to me. I won't have it!" The ambassadors reprimand might have been more convincing if she had not been holding a neon-green drink in one hand (Garcia would have sworn it was actually glowing), and a margarita in the other.

"Well, I won't have you copping a feel of JJ's ass behind my back!" Emily responded, just to have her mother laugh, and JJ's mouth drop open.

"Fine. Laugh all you want. I'll celebrate my way. Liquor and women, what a way to celebrate!"

Still mumbling to herself, Emily stole one of JJ's shots, ignoring the protests from the younger woman, and headed off to search for the blonde stripper she had met up with earlier. Failing to find Tootsie or Aqua, or whatever the blonde's name was, she returned to her posse with yet another drink.

"Oooh, Emily! That looks good! What are you drinking?" Garcia asked excitedly, hoping to have found a new poison.

"Sex on a beach." Emily replied rather tipsy, "Although I'd rather be having it!"

Garcia immediately waved the bartender down and began ordering numerous drinks. JJ turned to face the profiler with an apologetic smile. "I had no idea. I'm really sorry..."

"Hey JJ!!"

"Oh, hey Candy! We're here celebrating Em's birthday! I'll catch up with ya later, okay?"

JJ replied without thinking and Emily watched with morbid fascination as the tall, brunette stripper engulfed JJ in a hug before running off. She couldn't help but smirk as JJ swiped two shots off of the bar.

"Come here a lot do ya, Jayj?"

"NO! She's my...pole dancing teach...err...I mean yoga instructor...oh, shut up. Yeah, I do!"

"I thought so!"

JJ sputtered, the shot she had just consumed from the glass in her left hand spewing across the room, and the one in her right shaking precariously. Emily, un-phased, shook her head and laughed as she walked away.

"Jayj, didn't anyone ever tell you not to waste valuable liquor!!"

The blonde gaped as she watched the slightly drunk agent stroll across the room. When she tore her eyes away to look at Garcia, she gulped.

"Jareau, stop picturing the two of you having sex!"

"I'm not! She's just…" JJ trailed off as Garcia looked at her.

"What? Gay? Finally on your team? Obviously single? Totally into you? What JJ? What is she?"

"Well, I was going to say, slightly drunk and somewhat sexy?" JJ tried, seeing the computer geek roll her eyes.

"Tell you what Jayj. If you don't make a move tonight, I swear to you, I will. And you know I don't make empty promises!"

Quickly weighing out her options, JJ shrugged and quickly slammed back the remaining shot. Wincing as the liquor burned her throat, she scanned the room for Candy.

"Garcia, cover me! I'm going in!"

Turning on her heel, when she looked back over her shoulder, she briefly wondered why Garcia had a look of horror on her face. Ten minutes later, that horror had turn to disbelief as the technical analyst heard the deep bass of the music, accompanied by loud whistles and claps, as Nine Inch Nails blared through the club. And one Jennifer Jareau stood in the middle of the stage.

_You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you_  
_You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you_  
_Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell_

As JJ began her what Garcia now considered signature dancing/grinding to her favorite 'slut song', the computer analyst sighed slightly and rolled her eyes. Honestly, she was considering investing in a human leash for when she brought her best friend here. There was nothing wrong with having a good time, definitely not. In fact, Garcia had even been coaxed onto that stage once herself, though she had been in a state of extreme inebriation at the time. She liked seeing her friend vent off steam, and if this was part of her venting, so be it. She could hold her own up on that stage, and obviously got a kick out of the hoots and cat whistles. The strippers liked her, and she liked them. But Garcia had never thought in a month of Sunday's that JJ would do this in front of Emily or her Mother. The reminding thought that they were there made her cringe ever so slightly, knowing she would be in trouble for letting JJ go up there if this all didn't end well.

''Why is it that every time she has jello shots she ends up on that freaking stage?''

Garcia muttered to herself in wonderment. What the hell was it about those damn jello shots? Her thoughts were cut off by a rather loud, rather piercing yell come whistle.

''Woooooooooooooooooo, shake that ass Jennifer!''

The rather distinct voice of Elizabeth Prentiss pierced through music, making Garcia look around to see the excited and rather plastered Ambassador trying to mimic JJ's talented movements, much to Emily's horror.

''_Mother!''_

''It's not my fault Emily, she has moves I was doing when I was her age!''

''Mother! Think of the therapy bills, please!''

Emily reprimanded, scowling irritably for the 2 seconds she managed to pull her eyes away from the blonde on stage. Looking back at her, as the thick and heavy beat continued, Emily gulped. Her mouth and throat suddenly dry and a wave of something other than alcohol was hitting her head. Watching JJ dance and grind on that stage, so seemingly effortlessly, was more than enough to send her body into overdrive. JJ was so cat like, in tune with her whole body. Each and every movement fluid and graceful, seductive and compelling. Inviting.

''Ooooh god…''

Emily faintly heard Garcia gasp, as JJ started unbuttoning her shirt, getting a wave of cheers as she did. Emily changed her opinion of inviting to mouth watering. Even from the floor, the profiler could tell how silky smooth her skin was, as her eyes roamed newly exposed flesh. A slender lanky frame that she imagined being wrapped around her own, writing and grinding for a completely different reason than the tempo of music. As penetrating blue eyes sought out her own, Emily felt her heart beat faster and hastily swallowed the remnant of her drink. Instantly, she thrust her empty glass at Garcia.

''Bailey's.''

Seemingly, Garcia understood and immediately took the glass and trotted off toward the bar. All Emily could do was stay locked in JJ's eyes, even as another woman, one of the strippers, made her way over to her. The brunette looked a tad bit too lecherous for Emily's taste, as she started to dance and grind along with her unit liaison, so close there was barely a gap.

''Oooh, you have competition darling. Use your gun!''

Emily gave her Mother an admonishing glare as Garcia came back with a triple shot of her requested Irish Cream. The Irish Cream that she sunk in 2 seconds flat. She didn't know whether to be pissed off or turned on, seeing JJ moving to the music still, the brunette stripper smothered up against her back, hands wrapped around her hips. Then, to her astonishment, JJ broke away, giving the stripper a wink before she proceeded to lunge into a back bend, sending out more whistles. For Emily, who by now had stolen Garcia's drink, it caused her to splutter out the liquid ungracefully as she coughed and was patted on the back by her Mother.

''Breathe honey!''

Garcia chuckled wickedly as she pointed toward her extremely flexible friend.

''Emily Prentiss, if you don't tap that, I certainly will!''

She threatened seriously. After all, JJ was totally hot and bendable! Getting a momentary death glare from Emily, she watched as the profiler moved toward the stage. Elizabeth grabbed her hand, as they both watched eagerly. Emily moved forward as JJ came into an upright position again, smirking smugly. Seeing Emily nearing her, the blonde danced her way over. Emily looked up at her for a moment, enjoying the half naked show, then pulled out a 50 and wiggled her finger in a come hither manner toward JJ. The blonde smiled, and kneeled down. Emily reached up and tucked the note into a rather provocative bra, making sure she got a good grope in the process.

''You shouldn't have to pay for your birthday present, honey.''

JJ purred seductively, giving a wide-eyed Emily a wink before she stood up and went to finish off dancing and grinding to the song.

''She's so coming home with me!''

Emily muttered to herself, watching the last of JJ's performance. She found herself disappointed as the song finished, and JJ exited off stage the way the strippers did. A few minutes later, a flushed JJ was standing before her, her shirt buttoned again.

Holding the fifty out, JJ gave a half smile, "Here Em. I think this was yours."

"No…I think it's yours," Emily managed to croak out, seeing the blue eyes turn darker as JJ shook her head.

"It's your birthday…" JJ's words were cut off as Candy walked up behind her and threw her arm around the thin shoulders.

"So Emily, what do you think of our JJ here?"

Emily managed a smile, "She's great."

JJ blushed, "Candy, I think we are getting ready to leave. I'll catch you next time…if there's a next time!"

The two agents watched in silence as Candy ran towards the stage for the next song. Finally, Emily turned to face the blonde, bluntly asking what had been on her mind since JJ's dance, "Are you and Candy…seeing one another?"

"Hell no! She's just a friend, I wouldn't…" JJ squeaked, not knowing where this was going, but certainly not liking it one bit!

"JJ, are you gay?"

JJ was shocked, but recovered quickly. "Are you?"

"I asked first"

"What is this? 4th grade?"

"Just tell me if you're gay already!" Emily whined.

"Yes, I'm gay…"

"Good. Let's go home then…I wanna open my birthday present."


End file.
